The best songs come from experience.

The best songs come from experience.

So, I’ve decided to get more serious about music.

I started writing songs last week and I have about 50+ ideas started. Obviously, very rough drafts, ideas. They are more like blog posts, journal entries, stories right now than songs. Fleshing them out will come in time with tweaking and what not. I actually find it easy to come up with ideas for songs, but having a page of lyrics is in my opinion the easy part. I need to learn how to write music, which will help determine the shape the lyrics take on the page.

Unfortunately, I suck at that right now ; )

All in my mind?

April 19, 2009

Something weird is going on with me.

Sometimes I almost start to panic because I go to swallow (water, etc, whatever) and it’s like I get stuck in the middle of it. I can’t complete the act of swallowing. But there is nothing wrong with me that I know of and if I sit and concentrate on swallowing and making the throat muscles move it’s all fine.

Isn’t that weird? It’s been happening to me once in awhile but today it’s been bad. It’s mental I think, but it also feels like I have cotton mouth, but I haven’t smoked pot in like four or five years so it can’t be that, ha ha. It also happens when I’m half asleep, I jump up, sit up and gasp for air because I feel like I’m not breathing. Then my adrenaline kicks in and my pulse races and I have to calm myself down because I’m all amped up from taking deep breathes.

I don’t know, it’s gotten worse the last few years. I used to just have regular insomnia now I have all this weird stuff goin down.

Okay, decided I don’t feel like making another post tonight so I decided to post a song instead. I absolutely love this song. And like the song, I too wish I was myself again.

And yes, I’m pretty sure I have a “man-crush” on Brandon Flowers… but don’t worry ladies, I still love you lol 😉 Enjoy the song and take care.

To return and update

April 9, 2009

Well it’s been a little over two months since I posted on here. I kind of got out of the habit of making posts and repeatedly forgot until not posting was the habit. I will try to post regularly if possible. So, a short update then I will make a more significant post later.

Well, still can’t find a steady job. Bill collectors and debt swirling around me like vultures or maybe those little demons in the movie Ghost ha ha. They are coming to take me away now!!!!! Well I at least saved enough money to get my guitar back out of pawn, got to have priorities right?

My largest tarantula died, that sucked. Well I still have three others and they are growing nicely. My favorite is probably the Antilles Pink Toe, absolutely beautiful creature. It is about two inches or so in size.

A couple months ago I got a ball python. It was a gift or “adoption” from my cousin. He also has grown since I’ve had him and he is a really cool and docile snake. Cute little bastard too… as far as snakes go I guess. He however hates my little cousins (4 and 7). He curls into a ball and hides from them… probably because they are loud and jumpy… which snakes do not like. Thawing frozen mice for him to eat is always interesting… pretty fascinating to watch them stretch their heads apart so they can swallow food that is much bigger than their mouth. My favorite part is when near the end when only the tail is sticking out of the snakes mouth and they rise up into the air so gravity will aid them in pushing the food down their throat. Cool stuff.

Personal life is truly lame right now, nothing I care to comment on at this time.

Until later… have a good one.

Rest in peace Justin

January 30, 2009

I often have varying degrees of insomnia and tonight found myself up in the middle of the night checking my email. Someone who must have read my blog recently, has found a picture of the tombstone for Justin Brooks and emailed it to me.

I don’t know if I love or hate this drive-by emailer.

I have never seen this before. I have never been able to visit his final resting place.

This just got a whole lot more real.

God damn dude, I feel so sick to my stomach.

You can view a larger version of the picture by clicking on it.

Free Image Hosting at www.ImageShack.us

Well, writing all that about Justin got me pretty depressed. The good really do die young.

I am going to change the subject for myself and leave soon for the Combichrist show tonight.

I wish I had something cool to say to sign off. Some people say “peace out” and such things but that just sounds so lame and stupid when I say it. Oh well.

*shrugs*

RIP Justin Matthew Brooks, Aug 17,1980 - June 24, 2002

RIP Justin Matthew Brooks Aug 17,1980 - June 24, 2002

Justin Matthew Brooks’ website domain name was ” ZeroEvil.net ” (someone else owns it now). That tells you everything you need to know about Justin Brooks.

My friend Justin was murdered. He was stabbed to death by James, my friend. Justin was also Jame’s best friend. It’s been almost seven years since Justin was killed. James went over to Justin’s apartment with a bowie knife and stabbed Justin over 60 times with it. Tell me, who could do that to another human being? Who would even deserve to have their life snuffed out like that? Justin had defensive cuts and stab wounds on his hands and arms. He died trying to escape from his attacker through the front door of his apartment. He was killed by his best friend, by my friend. In the trial for James they determined that Justin suffered trying to defend himself. Justin died from massive blood loss.

It breaks my heart.

If you had asked me 10 years ago who do you think is the least likely to be murdered by a friend? My answer would have been Justin Matthew Brooks. Justin was and still is the kindest, most good hearted and gentle person I have ever known. He did not have a bad bone in his body and I feel like it was a privilege and an honor to simply have known him and even more special that I was able to call him a true friend. I actually knew his younger brother Jeff first, as we were in the same grade and throughout middle school and high school had quite a few classes together. Justin was unique even more so than the rest of us. We are all unique and special as human beings but Justin was just one of those people who are on a slightly different level than the rest of us. I remember he always had this little bag hanging from his neck. One day at school during lunch I asked him what was in it. He told me his religious artifacts were inside it. I asked if I could see them and he smiled at me and as his smile turned to a grin he said

“Absolutely not, I could show you but then I would have to kill you.”

And he said it with a big cheesy smile, he always made funny comments like that. I wondered what was in it all year and eventually he told me but wondering about it is something I will always remember. It was just one of those little things I remember most. Justin was a grade or two ahead of me in school but even though he was older he always treated me as an equal and I truly looked up to him and admired him. I remember the summer I moved across the state to Seattle I was so greatly disappointed. That fall Justin was going to take me mushroom hunting with him in the hills and pastures surrounding our small town and I was very excited about it. Not because of all the mushrooms we would find, but because Justin was so god damn fun to hang out with and I just really looked forward to it. Justin had bought this wonderful book that was a guide for Pacific North West mushroom hunters and he was eager to try the book out. It told you where to find edible mushrooms and what to look for and how to tell them apart from dangerous mushrooms. It sounded like it would be an adventure. I never did make it back over the mountains that fall and as fate would have it I never did get to go mushroom picking with him.

The stories of his famous and over-the-top greetings are true. I will never forget his greetings. One specific day stays very vivid in my memory. I was walking off-campus, it was lunch time at high school and as I made my way up the sidewalk I was startled by someone screaming my name at the top of their lungs, very loudly. My heart climbed back down my throat and I looked up and there was Justin heading down the sidewalk towards me. I laughed, as I often did around Justin and especially when he was approaching me. You see, he was wearing his usual camo pants, army boots and black t-shirt and of course his brightly colored jesters cap, complete with bells. He also did not just walk towards you. He bent his arms up above his head and kind of wobbled side-to-side like a monkey or chimp might walk upright. He did that for at least 50 feet before he reached me and grabbed me up in a huge bear hug. He let go and calmly like he had not just monkey walked to me and bear hugged me, asked

” So, whats up?”

I used to get a little embarrassed when he did that because it was always in public and people who didn’t know him always stared and gave funny looks. I used to be very shy, so the attention and things used to make me squirm but Justin didn’t care, he would make you laugh no matter how goofy or silly he had to be. And he loved doing it in public, in front of everyone… but, that was Justin. Fun, care-free and the kindest guy you will ever know. I can’t tell you how much I miss the silly stuff like that. I can’t tell you how much I miss his friendship.

I did not go to Justin’s funeral. I just could not bring myself to do it. I have never visited his grave site, I can’t do it. Part of me feels like if I don’t see his grave than it’s easier to pretend it didn’t happen. That he is still here with us on this Earth. But he is, Justin is gone and I still can’t believe it. Justin is dead, he is gone, murdered by James who was Justin’s friend in high school and post-high school. James was my best friend in middle school (he moved away after 8th grade, came back for 10th grade, I moved away after 10th grade). James, who I spent many weekends sleeping over at his mother’s house, shooting BB guns at his mom’s rose bushes and getting yelled at, playing board games and other innocent activities.

James McLean murdered Justin Brooks.

What? I still can’t wrap my mind around it. I still can’t believe it. I still can’t comprehend it. It is still absolutely surreal and mind boggling. Surreal is an understatement.

I miss you Justin, very much. Rest in peace my friend.

Some of you are probably curious to know more about this unbelievable event. I will post articles here for you to read on your own if you want to know more.

This is a great memorial page written by Justin’s father, it’s short but perfectly demonstrates the kind of person Justin was. I suggest you read it. Justin was an amazing human being.

Here is two great quotes from Justin:

“My religion says that I am here to serve others. That is where I gain most of my jollies and such.”
-Justin Brooks

“Meditation allows oneself to see things in a new light. Meditation is more than just a mental thing, it is a whole body thing. Your body communicates itself to your mind. Then through any means you want, you can delete the undesirable things you see in yourself.”

-Justin Brooks

Justin Matthew Brooks memorial page

Below is a link to a search of the Daily Record news archive and you can click on the links and read about what happened to Justin, the days leading up to what happened and the trial of James McLean and the aftermath of what happened:

Search results of the Daily Record news archive (links of news articles about what happened).

I did not cry when my grandpa died. I did not cry when my aunt died. I did not cry when my friend was murdered.

I did cry, sobbing like a little boy, when my dog was hit by a car and killed.

How messed up is that? Is there something wrong with me? The day my grandpa died a bunch of relatives came over to his house to grieve and do such things together. I was living in my grandpa’s camper that year of my life. My father had moved across the state to Seattle for a better job. My brother, mother and myself all lived in grandpa’s camper which was parked in his yard. Less than two weeks prior to his death my grandfather had been complaining of severe hip pain for at least six months but the doctors could not find anything wrong with him. Then, they found it. He had lung cancer which had spread throughout his body and into his bones, hence the hip pain. The doctors said he had months to live. Less than two weeks after he was diagnosed with cancer, he passed away. I will talk more about him at a later date. Back to the day he passed and the family gathering at his house. He had a small house and it was completely full of people. Some were quiet, solemn.  Some were crying and hugging each other. Some were laughing and sharing stories and memories. I was outside, sitting on the porch of his huge garage, which was a separate building directly behind his house. My uncle came out the back door and walked straight for me. I was spending most of my time outside because I did not feel comfortable in a room full of sad people. I stood up as he approached me and he hugged me and put his hands on my shoulders. He told me it’s okay to cry and asked if I had cried yet and that nobody inside had seen me cry. I was disturbed and annoyed that anyone was even paying attention to whether or not I cried. Who the hell’s business was it but mine? Why were they intruding on my personal space like that? I wanted to walk away but he had ahold of me by the shoulders.

I simply replied “no…”.

He got upset with me and shook me and asked what was wrong with me and why I was not crying? I could not find an answer for him. I just stood there being shaken and feeling extremely annoyed by the whole situation. I could not answer him that day and I still can’t today. I don’t know why I did not cry for my grandpa, who I was pretty close to. He was a WWII vet so he had lots of cool stories, knew every card game there was and he was a really good human being. Everyone loved him. Why did I cry over my dog and not for my relatives and friend? That was a bad year. A couple deaths in the family and bad luck happening to me all year long. My friend who I was secretly in love with got pregnant by another guy, her boyfriend. My best friend who had Type II diabetes was getting worse even at his young age. My other very good friend moved four or five states away. My $400.00 bmx bike which was a birthday present got stolen three months after I got it. My cousin built me a new bmx bike out of spare parts and it got stolen a month after she gave it to me. I got ripped off by a guy who I thought was a friend. Back then I smoked marijuana sometimes and my dealer was all out so I called my friend. He met me outside the grocery store and told me his dealer did not like new people so he would go get it and be right back. He never came back and when I called his house his sister said he was not home. I did not believe her. I called back and altered my voice a bit and told her I was Titan, my so called “friend” ‘s best friend. The son of a b*tch answered the phone and I confronted him. He staggered out some lame excuse and hung up the phone. He avoided me the rest of the year. Even though it was only over $40, the fact he would do that to me when we had hung out so many times really pissed me off. Why would you do that to someone you know? To someone you kicked it with quite a bit? Someone you had gone to school with for 10 years? I just didn’t get it. I still don’t. Back to my damn bikes, a year later I found out both of them were stolen by my friend. Someone I had spent many nights sleeping over at his place throughout our childhood, someone I skipped a lot of classes with. What the hell? He stole them and sold off the individual parts. I have never seen or talked to him again. That was 10 or 11 years ago.

Am I weird because I didn’t cry when they died? Is there something wrong with me because I cried my eyes out like a little baby when my freakin dog died?

I don’t know.

I might be Mr. Brightside

January 28, 2009

Am I Mr. Brightside?

Am I Mr. Brightside?

Sometimes I feel like Brandon Flowers as Mr. Brightside. Depending on your interpretation of the lyrics and the music video that could mean several different things. I’ll leave that up to you to decide. You can watch The Killers – Mr. Brightside music video at the link below if you haven’t seen it and/or don’t know the song.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BnwLf88t_Wc

I’m coming out of my cage
And I’ve been doing just fine
Gotta gotta gotta be down
Because I want it all
It started out with a kiss
How did it end up like this
It was only a kiss, it was only a kiss
Now I’m falling asleep
And she’s calling a cab
While he’s having a smoke
And she’s taking a drag
Now they’re going to bed
And my stomach is sick
And it’s all in my head

But she’s touching his chest now
He takes off her dress now
Let me go
I just can’t look, it’s killing me
And taking control

Jealousy, turning saints into the sea
Swimming through sick lullabies
Choking on your alibis
But it’s just the price I pay
Destiny is calling me
Open up my eager eyes
’cause I’m Mr. Brightside

I’m coming out of my cage
And I’ve been doing just fine
Gotta gotta gotta be down
Because I want it all
It started out with a kiss
How did it end up like this
It was only a kiss, it was only a kiss
Now I’m falling asleep
And she’s calling a cab
While he’s having a smoke
And she’s taking a drag
Now they’re going to bed
And my stomach is sick
And it’s all in my head

But she’s touching his chest now
He takes off her dress now
Let me go
’cause I just can’t look, it’s killing me
And taking control

Jealousy, turning saints into the sea
Turning through sick lullabies
Choking on your alibis
But it’s just the price I pay
Destiny is calling me
Open up my eager eyes
’cause I’m Mr. Brightside

I never
I never
I never

Some punches hurt more than others.

Some punches hurt more than others.

First off, in keeping with being anonymous I have changed real names in this post and used planets instead *shrugs*.

I’ve been thinking about something a lot lately. I don’t trust women sometimes and I think it’s because of a combination of events throughout my life. But, one even that keeps popping up over and over again in my thoughts is Jupiter [celebrity last name] and yes she is related to the movie star, they are cousins. Jupiter is someone who I thought was my friend. We talked a lot, hung out sometimes (lived two hours apart) and played a ton of chess together (every day or two) via a popular chat/messenger program.

I thought she was a friend.

I told her about something that happened to me that I have never told anyone else, no one, not one single other living soul on this entire planet.  For whatever reason I trusted her with this information and her response was flippant and basically a shrug of the shoulders. The fact she did not seem to care, one way or the other, probably should have been a clue she was not someone I could confide in but I didn’t listen to my intuition and opened up to her anyways. Six or seven years later and I still harbor some ill will towards her. Of course I don’t mean violence, but mostly disappointment, a little anger and some betrayal.

I will try to talk about this in as short a version as possible so all the details won’t be there but you will know enough to understand what I am talking about at least. Several months after I opened up to her it was like she fell off the face of the Earth. One day she just stopped talking to me, didn’t answer her phone, didn’t answer her email, didn’t sign into messenger anymore (I later found out she had put me on block/ignore), absolutely nothing. Over the next month I tried to call her a few times and I sent a few emails but it was blatantly obvious she did not want to talk to me and I had no clue why. Neither Neptune, Pluto or Mars (my ex girlfriend and two of her friends) had any clue what was going on either, they did not know why she wasn’t talking to me and in fact had not had as much contact with her either but absolutely nothing like what she was doing to me. They all had no clue why Jupiter had seemingly decided I don’t exist. It was obvious she wanted nothing to do with me, I just wished she would tell me why so I did not have to wonder WTF I did wrong.

About six or seven months later I was walking to school in downtown Seattle when we bumped into each other on the sidewalk. She tried to keep on going without even acknowledging that she looked directly at me and without a doubt saw me. I turned and asked her to stop for just a minute. She stopped and turned around and I asked a very simple question.

I asked ” Why? “.

She rolled her eyes and shifted her weight and said loud enough for everyone within a 1 block radius to hear:

“I don’t want to talk to you. I don’t want to know you. I don’t need anymore friends in my life. I was only nice to you because you were dating my friend, that’s over now, so F*CK OFF!”.

Then, she walked away to the chorus of  “Ohhh’s”,  “ahhh’s” and laughter coming from the Metro bus stop we happened to be standing next to. I think I might have even heard an “Oh snap!” in there somewhere.

I have not seen or heard from her since.

As humiliating as the laughter and staring was, I did not really pay attention to it, or care. I felt like I had been hit in the stomach with a sledge hammer or kicked in the balls by a chic with pointed, steel-toed cowboy boots (if such a thing exists). I literally felt sick and ill to my stomach and utterly baffled and caught off-guard. I was shocked and confused how someone I trusted and thought was a true friend could in the blink of an eye rip me apart and toss me aside.  At the time I thought she must be an evil bitch or mentally unstable or something because she showed me both Dr. Jekyll and Mrs. Hide. A few weeks later I was talking to Mars and she told me she did not know why Jupiter treated me like that but she did enlighten me to not take it personal as she knew something I did not. She told me that Jupiter had become extremely jaded towards anyone born with a penis. But, I could not help but take it personal and all these years later I still feel some hurt over it.

It also did not help that I had a pretty big “crush” on her for like a year before all this first happened. I hate the word “crush” but I don’t know what else to call it. I would not say I was in secretly in love with her but I did have a lot of feelings for her and I was never able to tell her how I felt about her. This is a common throughout my life. Jupiter was not the first girl I could not express my feelings to and she wasn’t the last. Of course also I was with Neptune for most of that time so I would have never acted on it anyways. My feelings and desire may have wandered a bit but I am not a cheater and never have been. Yes, the thought of acting on my wants had crossed my mind a few times but out of respect for Neptune I never even really considered it. On our one year anniversary Neptune left me. It was without warning and I had no clue she was even considering it. Clueless seems to be a common weave throughout my life.

Some girls have even called me “Mr. Oblivious” before.

After Neptune left the thought of hitting on Jupiter did rattle around in my mind a few times, but she was my friend (or so I thought) and I did not want to screw up that friendship so I did not go for it. Little did I know how completely and utterly misguided my feelings for Jupiter were. But anyways, Jupiter hurt, it really did. It blind sided me and to this day is probably the most brutal thing anyone has ever said to me face-to-face.

Okay, back to Mars, she told me in the six months leading up to this Jupiter had done a complete 180 switch. She had gone from an adorably cute, funny, full of life young woman to a jaded, man hating lesbian. Apparently her boyfriend, who Jupiter and I talked about frequently as Jupiter confided in me when she was going through tough times, had gone through a big messy departure from each other over events Jupiter never told me about. Jupiter and Mars were best friends, so Mars had info I never did. Jupiter had finally caved in and had sex with her boyfriend, losing her virginity. As fate would have it, the first and up to that point, the only time she had sex she got knocked up. She told her boyfriend she was pregnant and he dumped her and walked away from her. She must have snapped mentally as she both starved herself for weeks and attempted to use a clothes hanger as some sort of insane attempt to give herself an abortion. Not only did she lose the baby, but the doctors told her she had damaged her ability to have children in the future. Jupiter’s father was/is verbally and emotionally abusive towards her. We talked about her father a lot, she never told me about him touching her physically other than grabbing her by the arm or something but she often spoke of his verbal and emotional abuse. I think Jupiter must have been terrified of her father finding out she was pregnant at 16 years old. Mars then told me that she is now exclusively a lesbian and a jaded one at that. I knew she was bi-sexual but she had apparently had enough of men.

I understand she was screwed over by a couple of the guys in her life but if she treated me the way she did simply because my reproductive organs are on the outside instead of the inside, well, that is f*cked up in my opinion. I offered her nothing but my friendship and kindness and I honestly still feel upset over the way our “friendship” ended. I don’t know what I expected from her, I guess I just didn’t expect her to be that cold to me. She sucker punched me and I did hurt pretty badly over that for quite awhile. Having someone who I thought was close to me, turn on me like that, really screwed with me emotionally and mentally a little and even sitting here talking about it makes me a little sick to my stomach.

Sometimes I feel like Melvin Smiley, where his character could not stand the thought of anyone not liking him, I can’t stand the thought of people I know not liking me. I could not care less about strangers though.

Anyways, someone I cared about turning on me still has me second guessing women and their intentions sometimes. I am apprehensive about letting them get close… and in recent years have walked the other way when I felt myself starting to get emotionally attached. I get out while I can. I don’t want to, but I do it anyways.

I will talk more about myself and the females in my life tomorrow.